i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
