just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
