I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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