we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
