just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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