he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
