Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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