you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
