I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
