I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I am morally bankrupt
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
