When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
