I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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