Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
