So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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