i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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