Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
