Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
