Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
