Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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