after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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