I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
