I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
