she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
