well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
