My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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