I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
