my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
