I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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