Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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