So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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