Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
