Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
