I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
