Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
