***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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