I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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