ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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