It was confusing and full of hummus
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
