I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
