she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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