I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
