Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It was confusing and full of hummus
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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