I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
