i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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