I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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