who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
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