exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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