So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
