I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
