So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
