Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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