I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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