well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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