college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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