"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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