I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
